לקריאת המאמר בעברית במגזין גלויה | Originally published in Hebrew in Gluya
The religious world, centered around the Torah and mitzvot, champions learning and regards the knowledgeable as authority figures. It has traditionally been customary to turn a rabbi with a “she’elat rav” (a question for a rabbi) whose learning and knowledge would guide their constituents in matters of daily life. Additionally, halakhic knowledge bestows not only halakhic authority; its possessors are often viewed as connected to “higher realms” and possess spiritual authority (an issue that is subject to ongoing debate).
Some view religious authority as similar to medical authority. This comparison is inaccurate both because theology and science are not the same and becouse of the different reasons and needs for which people turn to these authority figures. Not every appeal to a halakhic authority stems from “matters of life and death,” and not every consultation with a medical figure necessarily involves seeking broad advice and reflection.
People have always turned to medical experts for solutions and relief from pain. In earlier times, these figures were often miracle workers and saints, while later, medical knowledge became more widespread. However, doctors and nurses are not only healers; they possess knowledge—especially in our time—that can help advise, guide, and support individuals, whether sick or healthy. In the modern world, a reservoir of professional knowledge about spiritual and emotional health, as well as experts who treat and support clients in this field has developed. These experts are not necessarily well-versed in Torah and halakhah or in medicine and human physiology.
In recent years, the discourse on healthy sexuality has deepened and expanded. Information on the subject has become more accessible, and we now have opportunities to learn the topic in various settings through guides, workshops, and seminars. These figures and events disseminate knowledge about body and mind and their connection. The evolving discourse in this area enables women, men, and couples to learn about themselves and their bodies and improve their quality of life. This is a commendable development, although there is no doubt that there is still a long way to go. Perhaps this process can gradually help improve our relationships, primarily within ourselves, by better understanding our connection to our bodies and essence. We can now use this knowledge to engage in an internal or mutual conversation and explore the meaning it holds for us in its most delicate nuances—longings, desires, and the pursuit of a good life. We are gradually gaining knowledge, and the thirst for it is great.
Caution: sensitive topics!
This is all wonderful, yet we must realize the potential costs and dangers involved in this important discourse. The intersection of halakhah, body, and mind includes some very sensitive issues, sometimes necessitating very complex decisions. What guides us when we turn to professional authorities? What begins as a quest for knowledge that will allow us to make an informed decision may turn into a plea for salvation and the removal of personal responsibility. We can start by seeking the tools and knowledge but eventually reach a state of self-nullification. The knowledgeable figures—rabbis, doctors, guides, and the like—may become too convenient a refuge for us, even if they do not intend to play such a significant role in our lives. We might give them excessive power and status, attesting to a hidden wish that “someone else will make this decision for me.” This desire might lead us to potentially harmful behaviors. Dangers include:
- The Erosion of Privacy: The abundance of knowledge, the professionals, and courses in various fields are certainly welcome, but the flip side is the encroachment on intimate areas, an invasion of privacy, removing issues from the private and personal domain to public discourse. Couples may feel like they are losing control over their privacy.
- Over-treatment: Referring someone for guidance, counseling, or therapy is vital and commendable, and it is wonderful that seeking professional help has become normalized and socially accepted. However, over-treatment can cause as much damage as no treatment. While excessive reliance on professionals is not as common as under-treatment, the potential growth of this phenomenon requires caution and concern. The abundance of knowledge and resources can be overwhelming and lead to confusion. Research-based knowledge can also create an image of “proper and appropriate marital relations” that does not suit every person and situation and can prevent people from seeking genuine assistance.
- Charlatanism and Exploitation: Thank God, most professionals are worthy, qualified, and well-intentioned individuals. However, it is important to remember that there are also many impostors whose lack of professionalism may cause harm. Unfortunately, even among qualified advisors, medical professionals, halakhic authorities, and therapists, there are cases of harmful abuse of authority. Requesting assistance on sensitive matters renders us vulnerable. Maintaining a high state of alertness and setting clear boundaries in every situation is very hard.
- Transfer of responsibility: Precisely because of the genuine struggle with difficulty, distress, or significant questions, and due to the presence of an authoritative and knowledgeable figure, it is easy to adopt a “lazy” stance and let someone decide for us and take responsibility for the decision. This is an understandable position, yet problematic. Taking responsibility for our lives is critical for a healthy and proper life. The well-worn saying that forming a personal identity is a prerequisite for a true and beneficial relationship may sound self-evident. However, if we “slide” into a stance wherein we shirk personal responsibility, we prevent it from manifesting in our real lives. This is how our perception of ourselves and our life partner is impaired; this is how the view that sees those created in the image of God as complete beings, standing together and alone worthy individuals, becomes dimmed.
What is the best way to help?
A relationship can only be formed by two complete individuals who find common ground between them. When we explore the world and seek the knowledge that will help us understand our surroundings and ourselves, we must begin with the statement, “The world was created for me” (Mishnah, Sanhedrin 4:5). We should ask: Do I truly have autonomy over my life? Do I turn to various professionals for them to tell me about myself?
The argument is not, God forbid, to avoid learning or consulting with professionals but to approach them knowing that you are the master of your own life, your head held high. Use the knowledge you gain to build an additional layer on what already exists, and only to accept advice that is right for you. Maintain your autonomy. An exploration of sexuality, romance, and marital equilibrium belongs to each partner individually and to the space they share between them. After consulting a professional, it is important to discuss the topic as a couple and decide together what to adopt and what to reject.
Knowledge is not a monopoly held by a single, exclusive figure; rather, it is distributed among many sources and places, layer by layer. Realizing this can provide the opportunity to continue learning and delving deeper with freedom, joy, responsibility, and attentiveness. We are responsible for ourselves. This is the starting point for seeking answers, expanding knowledge, and receiving professional opinions from other figures. Responsibility is also the end of the process but needs to be present throughout the entire journey. Sometimes, particularly in the realm of religious exploration—both halakhic and spiritual—we may be more confused than in areas where we feel responsible for our own lives. It is good to express gratitude for the democratization of knowledge, for accessibility and facilitation, and for dialogue with professionals. From this vantage point, we can then return to ourselves and make decisions from within, as complete individuals.
Translated by Joshua Amaru
