לקריאת המאמר בעברית במגזין גלויה | Originally published in Hebrew in Gluya
The Talmud (BT Kiddushin 29a) describes the obligations of a father toward his son: To circumcise him, redeem him (pidyon ha-ben), teach him Torah, help him marry, teach him a trade, and perhaps also to teach him how to swim or navigate a boat. In practice, most of these are relegated to various experts and are not carried out by the father himself. A mohel circumcises the boy; teachers teach him, etc. Nevertheless, this Talmudic quote imparts an important fundamental value. The Gemara expects us to ensure continuity, to transmit knowledge and skills, and to pass them down from generation to generation, from father to son. But what about from mother to daughter?
There Is No Substitute for an Open Conversation Between Mother and Daughter.
Regarding the commandments that the father must do for his son, the Mishnah (Kiddushin 1:7) says that “men are obligated, and women are exempt.” However, it seems that it is also possible to easily articulate commandments that a mother must do for her daughter. This list includes the vast body of knowledge that mothers pass on to their daughters.
We speak with various officials the way we learned at home to speak with them. Many of us will work in a field related to our parents’ professions. We were naturally raised with the laws of kashrut and Shabbat by observing home life and receiving guidance from our parents.
But what about the women’s domain? Starting with information about menstruation and women’s biological cycle, followed by learning about the reproductive system, relationships, love, marital life, and more. It seems that we have lost the ability to discuss these issues naturally, ones traditionally transmitted from mother to daughter. Perhaps parents assume, or hope, that their children will obtain this information from an external source—school, a counselor, or even a book or movie. In reality, however, children still need to discuss these matters with their parents, and I believe that passing on knowledge in these areas is part of every mother’s duty toward her daughter.
As part of these responsibilities, I want to particularly focus on the mother’s obligation to teach her daughter about the mikveh. This education starts at the most basic level: learning to swim and dive underwater. Unlike a father’s obligation to teach his son to steer a ship – a necessary skill when men went on long journeys and needed to know how to do so – today, most men will never operate a boat. However, the daughter needs to be comfortable in water, as she will immerse in the mikveh around once a month.
Beyond learning to swim and dive, the mother should also impart her knowledge, customs, and feelings about the mikveh. Observing the laws of family purity is only one part of married life; beyond this mitzvah, a successful marriage also demands broader preparation, both emotional and spiritual. The bride-to-be can receive the halakhic and practical knowledge she needs through structured guidance sessions before marriage. And yet, there is no substitute for an open and honest conversation between mother and daughter, where the experienced mother can impart so much more than just dry halakhic guidelines.
Teaching Her Daughter, or Setting a Bad Example?
In Tractate Niddah (67b), the Gemara discusses “serakh bitah,” a situation where the daughter may mistakenly immerse at the wrong time because she imitated her mother, misunderstanding the context. This may occur when the daughter sees her mother immersing during the day, concluding that this is permissible, whereas the mother immersed only after completing the full seven clean days, on the eighth day. The Sages fear that the daughter might immerse on the seventh day, having misunderstood her mother’s actions. This concern led to the blanket prohibition of immersing during the day. This halakhah teaches us that daughters learned the customs of family purity from their mothers by imitation, observing their mother’s open conduct regarding this mitzvah.
Today, there is mostly silence on this topic. Children do not know when their mother immerses, just as other aspects of family purity are not disclosed. “Serakh bitah” remains a halakhic consideration in discussions about postponing immersion, even though today, couples do not make known the night of immersion, certainly not to their children. Therefore, the likelihood of a daughter internalizing a halakhic error based on observation seems highly unlikely.
The gap demonstrated by the concept of “serakh bitah” between an earlier reality and the current one highlights the difference between what was then known and out in the open and what mothers today do not disclose to their daughters. This stresses the need for an open conversation on the topic, to discuss not only the appropriate time for immersion but the entire realm of family purity. In the Passover Haggadah, we are told that if one of the four sons does not know how to ask a question – “at petach lo,” the parent should start the conversation. Perhaps the mother can take this role upon herself and initiate a conversation with her daughter about intimacy, times of separation, a woman’s trustworthiness in declaring when she is impure and when she is pure, and the emotional readiness for both physical closeness and physical separation, when required. In this context, the mother can teach her daughter about the practicalities of immersion, immersing during routine times and on special occasions, postponing immersion, and the ceremonial and personal dimensions of the immersion experience.
The standards of silence, modesty, and imparting knowledge have changed over the past 1,500 years. Nevertheless, serakh bitah remains a halakhic consideration even though daughters no longer imitate their mothers’ customs of immersion, as the topic has been replaced by silence. It is not the fear of the serakh, the inadvertent prohibited behavior, that should concern us; rather, the recognition that the halakhic discussion on the subject reflects a mindset that we do not necessarily recognize in mother-daughter relationships during adolescence, engagement, or even marriage. Focusing on “serakh bitah” can restore an open conversation and instill knowledge in this area from a young age as part of a guided discovery of healthy sexuality at a pace that is appropriate for both the daughter and the mother.Knowing that there is someone to talk to and learn from is significant for a girl and will help her build confidence. Moreover, in our lives, and particularly in our relationships, we tend to mimic patterns we witnessed at home. For example, women who know that their parents observed the laws of niddah will enter married life with a more positive attitude toward these laws, making it easier for them to observe them. Open conversations at home will allow your daughter to accept marriage-related mitzvot with greater ease. A bride-to-be can undergo a complete bridal guidance course with a certified instructor or opt for sessions at home with her mother; a balanced approach between home and outside, between close and distant, seems to be the best solution. When a couple gets engaged, family members help them find professional guidance. Perhaps they should first pause and question the familiar pattern of relying on an external figure, thereby dispensing with the knowledge and insights that have been ingrained in the home environment. A possible alternative is to turn to the parents as a source of knowledge despite the potential awkwardness. If we view this type of discussion as a part of the natural home education process, then receiving bridal guidance from one’s mother can be very natural and profoundly deep. Rounding out these sessions with the help of a professional figure can then add richness to the existing foundation.
From “Father to Son” to “Parents to Their Children”
The “Declaration of the Rights of the Child” was drafted in the 1940s in Israel, inspired by other significant texts from that period (such as the Declaration of Independence, the United Nations General Assembly’s Declaration of the Rights of the Child, international treaties, resolutions of the Council of Europe, and recommendations from international organizations for the welfare of children). The initial sections of the declaration address every child’s right to receive “the opportunity and possibility to grow and develop physically, morally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, intellectually, and socially in a healthy and proper manner, under conditions of freedom and dignity,” and their right to receive “nourishment, education, protection, love, and understanding.” Several decades and multiple waves of feminism have passed since then, and in our society, the father’s obligations to his son have evolved into the parents’ obligations toward their children, which encompass much more than the five basic obligations mentioned in the Gemara.
When you prepare your daughter for immersion in the mikveh, for marriage, and for married life, you are building and empowering your daughter. This knowledge is part of your duty as a mother to provide her with “education, protection, love, and understanding” and the opportunity to develop “morally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and socially.”
Translated by Joshua Amaru
