לקריאת המאמר בעברית במגזין גלויה | Originally published in Hebrew in Gluya
It is important to cultivate safe discourse about dangerous and borderline situations where we might be vulnerable. We need to provide tools for avoiding, identifying, and coping with harmful situations, thereby reducing the risk of harm or preventing it entirely by developing healthy norms, acquiring tools, and fostering personal empowerment that provide security and protection. In certain situations, the potential for harm is evident, and it is clear why there is a need to discuss safety. However, in other cases, the potential for harm is unexpected and unnecessary, such as in an unfamiliar environment with foreign norms or habits, in a new job, in a new social setting, and so on.
The following words address a period filled with excitement and joy: the early days of married life for a halakhically observant couple. Marriage seems at the beginning not to contain potential vulnerabilities, given that the couple knows each other and has chosen to live together. However, we now know that harm occurs not only intentionally but also accidentally, not only in dark places but also among loved ones. Alongside this stands the longstanding halachic position that, for example, coercion is forbidden within marital relations. Unfortunately, marriage is potentially a vulnerable place.
From Theory to Experience
In the early stages of the married life of a halakhically observant couple, there is an undefined range of potential vulnerabilities. According to halakhic values and norms, physical intimacy and everything that comes with it is found exclusively within married life. As a result, the encounter with active sexuality and the engagement in intimate relations occurs only after the couple has chosen to give religious and formal validity to their relationship. In a world grounded in Jewish law, full sexual activity and the fulfillment of sexual desire take place only within the framework of marriage.
Each person carries a different amount of familiarity with sexuality and marital relations. Some of this knowledge is undoubtedly accumulated throughout one’s life—from family, friends, and the environment—and some comes from premarital counseling sessions. Even if the couple enters the marriage with prior knowledge of the subject, there is no guarantee that the couple themselves have engaged in deep conversations and have established expectations regarding their marital relations. It is challenging to coordinate such expectations or discuss marital life when the only perspective one brings to the subject is purely theoretical. It is possible and advisable to have conversations before entering marital life, and it is equally important to continue these discussions within marriage. The experience of the body is unique, and actions that theoretically seemed appealing might be experienced as unpleasant touch, and vice versa—what sounds strange and unusual might turn out to be delightful and pleasant, as the learning of the experience of pleasure can only be gained through experience.
The Gap: From Plan to Implementation
The transition to reality can reveal a significant gap between different layers in a relationship. Engaging in sexual relations or physical intimacy is not simple, even for men and women with sexual experience. Physical intimacy is a sensitive and significant meeting point of body and soul, encompassing the myriad of emotions and thoughts we have about ourselves and our partner in the experience. Additionally, our bodies are constantly changing, responding differently to touch and interaction depending on our mental and physical state, and experiencing varied sensations and desires at different times across our lives, even within the course of a year. This move from expectation to reality can be even more challenging for couples without experience who are encountering one another physically for the first time.
Couples may experience situations where personal expectations turn out to be different or unmet. They may experience a strong desire or pressure to please their partner, differences in knowledge, a complete lack of knowledge, or mutual misunderstanding. They may lack experience in honest and open communication about the body, its sensations and pleasures, and the desires of each side. The topic is so delicate because it touches on the most intimate point between a person and his or herself within their marital life. This space is often regarded as separate and disconnected from life beyond the bedroom. However, that is not so; experiences of the body, soul, and heart are intertwined and can influence one another in positive and negative directions and everything in between.
Vulnerability and Protection
The early phase of marriage can also be a wonderful time for discovery and shared experiences that, while challenging, offer an opportunity for an exciting, new, and unique journey as a couple. However, due to the gaps we have described, and given that the sexual and physical realm is so sensitive and intimate, there is a potential for feelings of vulnerability between the couple.
Lack of knowledge and awareness, different personal characteristics, and varying preferences can lead one side in a relationship to feel muted, and it can even generate negative power dynamics. It is very likely that the harm was not intentional at all and without any malice, yet it still occurred. A sense of insecurity or alienation in relation to the sexual experience can also lead to feelings of having been harmed.
The necessary caution does not dictate inaction or a loss of spontaneity, but it does demand open communication to ensure there is no barrier between the couple that hinders the expression of feelings and emotions. At the same time, it allows for the communication of the physical experience in real-time or retrospectively through a conversation on the subject. Because of gaps in expectations and disappointment, couples may sometimes offer harsh or inaccurate interpretations of events, interpretations stemming from a lack of knowledge and understanding of what is happening or from feelings of fear or insecurity.
It is important to distinguish between situations: when does it involve natural interpersonal difficulties that can be resolved through communication and conversation, and when is it necessary to seek assistance through guidance, therapy, and more? When does the difficulty arise from an inappropriate situation where it is advisable to set a clear boundary? When should the clear boundary be set with affection? The difference between those cases lies primarily in personal experience: Are you experiencing emotional distress around the difficulty? Does it affect other areas of marriage and life? Another consideration is when you are presented with the difficulty. One complex experience is not the same as a series of such experiences. As things change, is the difficulty worsening or improving? Seeking therapy can also be a focused approach that includes a small number of sessions; it does not necessarily have to be a prolonged process.
The early phase of marriage is not inherently dark, and our focus here on vulnerabilities does not necessarily reflect a common situation. However, it is important to clearly and honestly present the potential challenges, the hidden and visible potential for harm, the possible gaps, and what they might bring with them. Recognizing these elements allows for the enhancement of one’s sense of safety and security, as well as the major components that promote it.
Bridging gaps, eliminating vulnerability, and enhancing security occur on a foundation of interpersonal communication and internal attentiveness. Without them, it is difficult to bridge the gaps and their challenges. Shared conversation can take place at any stage: before intimacy, during, and after. It is possible to talk about the fear itself, the concerns and expectations, to share the knowledge each partner has in the relationship, and even to discover together the areas where there is a lack of shared knowledge. Shared awareness can teach us what feels good, what is pleasant and what is not, what is desirable and what is less so, thus turning personal knowledge into shared knowledge and making it an active part of the sexual experience. This is healthy sexuality. The opposite of healthy sexuality primarily stems from a lack of communication since, in a nurturing relationship, there are no ill intentions, only misunderstandings that can be resolved through conversation filled with attentiveness, understanding, and intimacy.
In a certain sense, vulnerability and protection between partners are two sides of the same coin: being exposed with our partner and sharing with him or her, both emotionally and physically, place us in a vulnerable position. Because the physical relationship is so intimate, it amplifies the potential for vulnerability. However, in a healthy relationship and a healthy sexual life, the position of vulnerability actually creates a sense of security. Personal and honest disclosure, when done with a supportive and understanding partner, creates a positive experience of safety, deep security, and complete trust.
Translated by Joshua Amaru
