לקריאת המאמר בעברית במגזין גלויה | Originally published in Hebrew in Gluya
In bridal instruction before marriage, which became standard practice in the second half of the twentieth century, a significant amount of time is dedicated to studying the prohibitions and distancing laws of the laws of niddah. This guidance is part of the Israel rabbinate’s requirement for brides, who are obligated to bring an official certificate from the instructor upon completion of the course. The grooms are not obligated at all by Israel’s rabbinate to study and prepare for married life and intimacy. The obligation imposed by the rabbinate to study the laws of niddah before marriage indicates their importance in its eyes; however, the message it conveys is that the study of these laws is a duty imposed solely on the woman. Any participation by the man in such study, whether alone or together with his partner, is purely on a voluntary basis.
In my view, married life is a life of togetherness and meaning. Since the days of permission and prohibition are shared by both partners and the obligation to observe these mitzvot is borne by both of them, it is only appropriate that the study in preparation for observing them should also be undertaken together.
Another message conveyed by the requirement that the bride go through halakhic instruction on the laws of niddah is that these are the most important preparations for her wedding. One might think that the rest of the tools for marital life, healthy sexuality, financial management, and much more are not essential for the couple, and there is no need to prepare for them in advance, even though all of these are new areas in which the couple usually engages in for the first time.
In my view, the most natural and desirable approach for the bride and groom before their wedding is for the couple to prepare for physical intimacy together. In this area, it is important to provide them with appropriate guidance tailored to their sense of excitement and a positive outlook as they enter their home with a willing heart and mutual desire.
A Language of Reverence and Delight
In recent years, there has been a welcome growth in the discussion about healthy sexuality in the religious community. The message increasingly conveyed to couples encourages them to fully and deeply enjoy married life. However, information regarding healthy sexuality seems to come more from the therapeutic and educational world and less from the halakhic world. Does the Jewish world really have nothing to say on the subject? Are there no additional layers of knowledge and a language that can emerge from it?
The Talmud )Berakhot 62a) recounts a series of stories about sages who learned from their teachers by closely observing intimate behaviors in the bathroom and bedroom. At the end of each story, the student justifies his curiosity with the words: “This [too] is Torah, and I need to learn [about it].” This is also what Rav Kahana said when he was caught under his teacher’s bed while the latter was conversing and playing with his wife and engaging in marital relations. It seems that the story questions whether there are boundaries to Torah study. According to Rav Kahana, halakha is learned even in the most private rooms. And note: It was not the laws of niddah that Rav Kahana sought to learn, but rather the “laws” of marital intimacy.
The Torah that Rav Kahana seeks to study is not about the general rules of what is prohibited and permitted but rather what is appropriate and advisable in marital intimacy, including conversation, play, delight, joy, and reciprocity – what we today refer to as “healthy sexuality.” His behavior is perceived as crossing boundaries and being rude, and Rav (his teacher) reprimands him, saying this is not acceptable behavior. We can propose a compromise between the rabbi’s justified rebuke and Rav Kahana’s natural curiosity and desire to learn: guidance that responds to natural curiosity, which is not voyeurism but a genuine need to know.
The revolution of healthy sexuality that the religious community has been experiencing in recent years is primarily among women (who until recently were directed toward suppressing their connection to their bodies through modesty requirements, covering, and niddah). There is a gap in the number of frameworks designed for women compared to those for men, and the number of women involved in the field far exceeds the number of men. It is impossible to separate this phenomenon from the significant role that the laws of niddah occupy and the exclusive responsibility placed on women to observe them.
The call to change the approach to bridal guidance, treating it as joint marital preparation that also addresses intimate life and not just what is permitted or prohibited, will encourage the partnership of both spouses in this area and promote honest and open communication between them. It will change their attitude toward halakha, causing them to see it as a rich language that provides them with broad and flexible responses to situations that encompass reverence for Heaven and love for the Torah, as well as a consciousness of joy, curiosity, practice, and enjoyment.
“Everyone Knows” and No One Speaks
The halakhic language that has developed around the laws of niddah focuses on the prohibition and the concern with the transgression of a prohibition for which one is liable to receive karet inherent to it. This pushes aside the natural joy and curiosity between the couple. The saying “everyone knows why a bride enters the chuppah” establishes the boundaries of legitimate discourse: perhaps everyone knows, but it is not to be spoken about. And so, there remains only one area that can be discussed and broken down into details – the laws of niddah.
However, making the study of the laws of niddah the sole focus in preparation for marriage misses the broader message that Jewish law and thought can offer on the physical connection between spouses. The difficulty in discussing what is permitted turns the focus on what is forbidden into an obsession. A message like this, conveyed to a young couple in the religious community, can create the impression that married life is solely about the laws of niddah, which is not the case. The laws of niddah are just one aspect of married life; they pertain only to the transition from the desired, permitted, sacred, and cherished marital intimacy to the forbidden days of niddah. Intimacy, in its broader sense, is also part of halakhic life and the halakhic language, but focusing solely on the laws of niddah pushes it out of the conversation between the couple.
The message remains even after the wedding, and thus communication between the couple is reduced to discussions about distancing and stains. There is no place for discussing sexual life, satisfaction, pleasure, and joy in the mutual encounter. This starting point will make it very difficult for the couple to develop good, positive communication around marital intimacy and sexual pleasure.
Laws of Closeness and Not Just Laws of Distance
The mitzvah of “onah” is mentioned in the Torah in the passage about the Hebrew maidservant. The Torah emphasizes the rights of the woman, which must be upheld and protected even when the man takes an additional wife. The language of command is used only when there is a danger to the closeness between the couple, and ideally, there is no need to command it. The halakhic definition of the mitzvah of onah refers to mutual desire as a necessary condition.
In halakha, the routine situation is that everything is permitted and prohibitions are the exceptions. The halakhic prohibition exists only when the occurrence in a woman’s body deviates from the routine during the days of menstruation. Even during pregnancy, breastfeeding, and the years following menopause, there is a long period when the laws of niddah are irrelevant. In fact, the focus on the laws of niddah is disproportionate to their actual presence after marriage.
The study plan in preparation for marriage should be similar to what we just mentioned: first, an emphasis and guidance on what is permitted and desirable, and only afterward, learning about the times of separation and prohibition. The focus should be on what is permitted, on the fullness of life together, and on the joy found in physical closeness, pleasure, and intimacy. Guidance that applies these foundational principles will allow us to be partners in the illuminating aspects of married life and the connection between the permitted and the forbidden in a balanced and responsible manner.
Translated by Joshua Amaru
