לקריאת המאמר בעברית במגזין גלויה | Originally published in Hebrew in Gluya
While engaged, couples dedicate their time to organizing their wedding, finding a home, purchasing equipment, planning a shared life, and more. However, alongside the practical preparations, there is also an internal, personal preparation that each partner undergoes individually—whether naturally, within themselves, or in a more structured manner, through bride and groom guidance sessions. However, the transition from single life to marriage is drastic, and preparing for it is like learning to swim through a correspondence course. How is it possible to prepare for all the aspects of daily life in the new reality? How can one address all the potential gaps and align expectations in preparation for actual shared life?
A guest who wishes to become a member of the household
One of the most sensitive areas where a gap between the two partners might emerge is in the observance of the laws of niddah. This is especially true since this issue is new for both partners, who had no reason to experience it before the wedding. Each has a set of concepts, principles, values, and behavioral norms; neither, as yet, understands the depth of their implications. Observing the laws of niddah is an unfamiliar experience even for people who grew up in religious homes. Generally, children who grow up in a religious setting are educated about mitzvot from early childhood as part of a broader socialization process, without needing to memorize legal minutiae or consult responsa literature on how to act. The laws of niddah, however, enter our lives on the wedding night and immediately assume a prominent position.
In practice, the laws of niddah fall primarily on the woman, even though men also play a role in this mitzvah, and it affects their lives as well. A gap in the use of terms, values, and implications in this area can lead to a breakdown in communication. When a man says “niddah,” he may not mean it in the same way that his wife understands and experiences the concept, and vice versa.
When the future bride and groom prepare for their upcoming marriage, and the learning is theoretical, there may still be a gap between their respective understandings of the various details and nuances related to the laws of family purity. A similar gap may exist in their emotional response to the topic, ranging from joy and spiritual elevation to anxiety and rejection. Some see the period of niddah as an opportunity to take a break from the intensity of marital life when one can meet friends and reclaim some lost personal space. Others view it as an opportunity for conversation and shared reading with one’s spouse, seeking legitimate outlets for closeness during this time.
During times of separation, gaps emerge
The tension and conflicts that may arise around the issue of niddah can also stem from differences in understanding the halakhah and differentiating between obligations and stringencies. Having a similar level of halakhic knowledge can smooth out these issues and help bridge these gaps. It is a good idea to study the topic together, addressing any awkwardness through open and attentive conversation while trying to redefine the importance of the details of the mitzvah for both partners. If there are significant gaps that are difficult to bridge, perhaps set aside the books and consult a kallah teacher, a chatan teacher, or any halakhic authority that both partners accept—such as a rabbi or a female halakhic adviser. These authorities can address the issue while taking the desires and complexities of each couple into account and provide a considered response that mediates, bridges gaps, and helps the couple formulate foundational premises and guiding principles.
My experience shows that questions related to the halakhic aspect of niddah can often be easily resolved. This happens, for example, when it becomes clear that one of the spouses has adopted a stringent halakhic approach, even though halakhah provides a broader range of options. A shift from the “lekhatḥilah” (ideal) and “bediavad” (after the fact) alternatives, especially when we consider the gynecological, sexological, and psychological factors that affect marital life, can be a game-changer. Sometimes, a difference between the partners’ practices stems from their different ethnic backgrounds, allowing for somewhat more flexibility. At other times, however, these are significant halakhic matters that require consultation with halakhic authorities who have a broad perspective and the ability to relate to all the relevant considerations.
Another potential gap may arise from emotional, rather than halakhic, aspects of this mitzvah. The mitzvah of niddah is related to the private and the intimate, involving both body and soul. As such, it touches upon sensitive points and can induce different ways of thinking about and coping, depending on the character and habits, traumas and aspirations, values, and inner world of each individual. All these usually remain hidden from view and may surface in sensitive situations. Approaching the subject requires delicacy, sensitivity, and a heightened awareness of the respective needs of both partners. Body image, the vision of an ideal marriage, past sexual experiences, as well as perceptions of femininity or masculinity, and the role of halakhah in life can all influence how each individual views the challenges of niddah.
These gaps can be resolved through a couple’s conversation. Beyond the technical solution, however, it is worthwhile to try to identify the deeper source of the difficulty: What internal pain do the halakhic demands evoke in you (both together and individually)? What sensitive points might they be aggravating? What makes a specific custom or particular halakhic detail difficult to deal with? An open, inclusive, and patient conversation can relieve some of the tension and lead to a suitable and acceptable alternative for matters that have been identified as problematic. Each couple, in their own way, can together find ways to address the parts of the halakhah that they are struggling with so that they may observe the mitzvah in the best, most appropriate, and most fulfilling way.
Translated by Joshua Amaru
