לקריאת המאמר בעברית במגזין גלויה | Originally published in Hebrew in Gluya
It is important to enter married life with shared intentions rather than simply going with the flow and relying on the mindset of, “we’ll figure out how to live together,” or “we already know, and it’s not going to be that different.” While it is of course possible to begin married life in this manner—with feelings of renewal, faith, and trust—for generations, Jewish society has prepared individuals for marriage. Today there are preparatory courses for SATs, for job interviews, for childbirth, and a variety of sessions and workshops for the various crossroads we encounter in life. The idea is that prior acquaintance with “unknown territory” and future challenges enhances individuals’ abilities and helps them make better choices.
Here in Gluya magazine, we place a strong emphasis on the importance of dialogue in general and in relationships in particular. This is true at every stage of a relationship, but during the engagement, when the couple is laying the foundations for the home they will build, it is all the more important. Even matters regarding which the partners seem to agree may later become focal points of differing perspectives and views. It is advisable to recognize and address these differences in order to navigate them together with consideration and ease.
Preparatory Sessions: An Obligation or a Choice?
In Israel, the Chief Rabbinate, which is responsible for conducting marriages and divorces, requires that all brides undergo preparatory sessions prior to the wedding. This is essentially a bureaucratic obligation that constitutes part of the marriage registration process. Such sessions can offer the bride an important and interesting learning opportunity on the one hand, but, on the other, may lead to a sense of asymmetry in the relationship because there is no similar requirement for the groom. Jewish communities’ various traditions and customs relating to preparation for marriage have never been made it obligatory for either partner.
The reason behind the bureaucratic requirement is the observance of the laws of niddah, which pertain to the woman’s body. Today, however, most instructors do not focus solely on these laws. They also engage in broader discussions that include providing tools for communication and a healthy relationship, addressing various topics pertaining to the bride or couple, and learning about marital life and its richness. The relevant laws for married life affect both partners, individually and together, and therefore some grooms may also choose to embrace the opportunity for guidance and also attend preparatory sessions.
Preparation for marriage has long encompassed a vast realm of knowledge far beyond halakhic matters, preparing the couple for the years ahead. Both partners can benefit greatly from learning and gaining insight into the concepts, interpretations, and explanations of the halakhic obligations pertaining to married life, as well as acquiring knowledge about marriage and intimacy in general. However, it is impossible to ignore the fact that it is still far less common for grooms to attend such sessions. Although in the past this was traditionally part of the father-son relationship or part of the encounter with another educational figure, awareness of the need for preparation has weakened since the formal obligation for preparation was placed only on the bride.
Brides can meet this legal requirement by attending just one session, which can be either meaningful or superficial. However, a single meeting cannot provide a religious woman with the tools and halakhic preparation necessary for marriage. Rather, it will leave her with lingering questions. It is impossible to cover the vast amount of knowledge relevant to relationships, halakhah, and physical intimacy in a single meeting. Therefore, religious women will often choose to attend more than one session with a bridal instructor. They may seek to undergo an extended process in the months leading up to the wedding, and some may even wish to continue this process afterward. The desire to do so is often motivated by the years of silence regarding this body of knowledge prior to the engagement or a personal motivation for independence and ownership of the relevant information. In any case, comprehensive and organized knowledge is necessary to facilitate a better understanding of the near and distant future.
Grooms, who are not required to undergo formal instruction, may choose to study with a certified instructor, a teacher who taught them in the past, or a respected and admired educational figure. Some will feel the desire for this independently, some will be prompted by dialogue with their partner, and others will internalize this possibility as a result of the influence of a family and educational environment that values learning and preparation from a practical perspective. Some couples choose to attend preparatory sessions together. Typically, couples with such a desire will attend several joint meetings and several separate meetings.
Preparing Brides and Grooms
The number of sessions for brides varies from instructor to instructor and from bride to bride. Some sessions will focus on the laws and mitzvot related to the bride’s body, such as the laws of niddah and immersion in the mikveh. Others will discuss marital relations and questions that occupy the bride regarding this topic, while some meetings will focus on tools for marital communication as a foundation for managing married life.
In the case of grooms, preparatory sessions emphasize marital communication and listening, which are sometimes pushed aside in male environments such as separate schools, the army, yeshivah, or social circles. Even a groom who is knowledgeable and familiar with tractate Niddah or has studied the laws of niddah faces a new and different reality: the knowledge is no longer merely theoretical. The halakhot assume a physical form in the body of his future wife.
In general, the laws of niddah are not the most urgent study material for couples. They are indeed of great importance, but the period of separation is the exception; couples are actually permitted to each other for most of their lives. Preparing for marriage is an opportunity to combine theoretical and practical knowledge, entering married life with confidence and understanding. However, a gap often emerges between the partners due to the asymmetry in the guidance they received: the bride comes to the marriage with a wealth of knowledge and readiness that the groom does not necessarily share and must learn on his own. This gap could be avoided if the groom attends preparatory sessions or if the couple attends some of the bride’s sessions together.
Joint Guidance, Mediating Guidance
Joint sessions allow both sides to listen, understand, and learn, addressing the unique needs of each individual separately and of both partners as an emerging family unit. It ensures that both partners acquire shared knowledge and tools and reduces any disparities in knowledge that may exist. Religious couples sometimes prefer to avoid discussing intimate topics before marriage. Joint preparatory sessions help to mediate what can be awkward and difficult topics. For example, the groom may hear for the first time about the challenges women face, to which men are not exposed, in observing the laws of niddah. He may also hear from his partner about her sense of closeness and connection to the framework of halakhic commandments in this area, or about her resistance and questions, especially as someone who is required to implement these matters in her own body. The bride may hear basic questions from her partner as he tries to understand the physical occurrences and how they translate into halakhah for her personally. At the same time, she may also hear empathy from her partner as he seeks to understand her as an individual rather than the concept of “the woman” that emerges from written or spoken discussions.
Laying the groundwork for each partner to express his or her voice as well as creating a shared voice and language of mutual responsibility in observing mitzvot that affect them both can be highly beneficial. The open dialogue that develops between the couple and the guide, in which both partners hear the same things together, leads to dialogue, breaks down barriers, and opens up possibilities for communication. Even for couples accustomed to open and shared communication, the guide can help mediate feelings, questions, and issues that are sometimes difficult to articulate. Married life is no simple matter. Couples experience difficulties surrounding many issues, and for couples who observe halakhah, challenges may also arise concerning the fulfillment of mitzvot. Preparatory sessions are not couples therapy, but they provide targeted support and halakhic mediation, attentively bridging between the perspectives each partner brings from their homes and personal worlds. The presence of a third party enables the couple to discuss issues that may cause difficulty and tension, facilitating their fair and calm resolution.
Joint sessions also offer a platform to develop a language and concepts that will accompany their married life. Indeed, such sessions often use language and concepts that sometimes entail very important nuances. “Family purity” or “laws of niddah,” “purity and impurity” or “closeness and distance,” “family planning” or “birth control,” and more. Listening to these semantic nuances can help build an individual marital language that embodies not only a shared value system but also the direction the couple wishes to walk together.
The Value of Individual Sessions
Nevertheless, it is often more comfortable for the couple to attend some sessions alone. Most of us live in a world where there are boundaries to open conversation and thus potential for embarrassment. When both partners are present in the room, the language and depth differ. Many people may feel uncomfortable when intimate or physiological descriptions are discussed in the presence of the opposite gender. Despite the benefits of open conversation, some topics are traditionally and appropriately discussed separately. When dealing with matters of the body, the physiology of marital relations, the details of examinations necessary to keep the laws of niddah, and the way one should inspect the body before going to the mikveh, it is customary and appropriate for guidance to be given separately.
Some couples prefer to attend the joint guidance with the groom’s instructor, others prefer the bride’s instructor, and it is also possible to receive joint guidance from the rabbi who will marry the couple or another authority with the relevant knowledge. Others attend several joint discussions with various professionals and gather diverse perspectives.
To the instructors and guides:
Instructors for brides and grooms sometimes conduct sessions with only one partner and sometimes with the couple together. There are male and female instructors who approach guidance with a desire to deepen and expand the couple’s knowledge, providing them with tools. Sometimes, the couple seeks advice and wisdom, attending the sessions with a desire to learn and deepen their understanding in preparation for the wedding itself and for married life. In such instances, trust will prevail, and there will likely be open dialogue, with the appropriate boundaries and the necessary sensitivity during explicit instruction.
In order for the guidance to truly resonate and for the couple to be receptive to the content, it is important to view the reality through the eyes of both partners, considering the bride and groom individually.
The assumption that all engaged individuals attend preparatory sessions with the same motivations should be examined with sensitivity, consideration, and a heart open to the newly engaged couple. Seeking guidance before marriage can express trust in the instructor and a desire to live a life according to halakhah, alongside a desire for shared joy on many levels. However, it can also stem from other circumstances, such as social pressure or the requirements for marriage registration. It is not possible to determine the couple’s stance and motivations straight away. It is important to remember this and strive to provide guidance through openness and dialogue rather than through a sense of coercion and detachment.
Proper guidance considers the experience and knowledge of the couple, as well as the gaps in their knowledge and curiosity. Preparatory sessions can truly address the couple’s needs by listening to them. They are the center of the instruction, and the content must be accessible.
As mentioned, attending preparatory sessions can stem from the formal requirement of religious councils, social conventions, or other reasons. Only when one approaches with an open heart can one realize the full potential of the knowledge and insights offered. At the core of premarital guidance is the belief that certain tools and knowledge can prepare and accompany you in your married life. These are meant to help the couple create a shared space and a proper foundation for growth, addressing the needs of each partner. Any premarital guidance, whether joint or separate, allows both partners to approach married life with greater preparation and consideration. In whatever structure and composition you choose, the main goal is to help you build a home that will be a shared space.
Translated by Joshua Amaru
